I know it's been ages since I've posted here. Looking back at what I posted last, you can hear in the silence the waiting and maybe some of the fear. I've been fearful to share too much during those months, fearful that I'd already shown too much of my heart and not sure if I wanted that.
But as the journey has progressed, with new bends in the road, I've been challenged. How does God receive the glory He is due if we don't share our lives- the good, the bad, the hopes, the disappointments? If our story is really His story, then don't we need to let others read it and hear it? Being transparent like that is scary to me. I'm not sure why, but it is? Am I fearful of judgment or fearful that I'll fail some standard set by myself or others? But again, if it's all really about God, why should I fear? If I truly believe He's the one responsible for shaping me and molding me, isn't my job to respond to Him and be a part of His body.
So here I am to break the silence. My heart's prayer is that in breaking the silence, God does receive the glory due to Him.
The story begins with a desire. A desire that isn't bad, but one that if unchecked and not brought before him continually could take the wrong place in my life. Although we are blessed with one wonderful little boy, my husband and I both have dreams of another child being added to the family. After having a child fairly easily the first time around we were unprepared for the journey God has had us on. After months of trying and riding quite the emotional rollar coaster, we finally had wonderful news in August 2010. A little one would be joining us! We told a few dear ones, but even as the news was reaching those people, that little life would slip away. It was hard to understand at this point. There were wrestlings in my heart. Why the waiting? Was the desire wrong? What did it mean to have the desire met and then to have the baby taken away? I felt like I was revisting some of the same issues I faced when my Mom passed away? Could I trust God's plan for my life? Would it be painful? Was it really the best thing?
God is faithful. I know that. During an incredible women's retreat in October he reminded me of truths I knew, but had allowed to slip away a bit. I was challenged to look at things with nevertheless faith. Faith that looks at the circumstances and then looks at God's truth and says even though this is the circumbstance, nevertheless, this is what I know to be true about God. It was amazing how that whole retreat seemed to speak to my heart. What a joy to receive God's love and encouragment.
And what a greater joy when the following month we learned we were pregnant again. I had feared this one might slip away also, but as morning sickness took hold and we saw our first ultrasound immage, confidence built. Joy abounded. At last our desire was happening. I began to dream even more about July and the following months.
Christmas came and we neared the end of the first trimester. We shared our joyful news and savored the blessing with family and friends. The new year began and I began to wonder about what 2011 would bring? How would I deal with being a new mother again? What would ministry look like this year? What would God teach us? I'll admit there's always I small part of me wondering when the tough times will come, so I also pondered what trials might come. I'm always one for a theme, so I wondered about the word that might summarize the year and the verse I might hold on to.
I didn't have an answer to those questions on January 1st, but I know God would work and I'd just have to wait to find out. Well, I'm not here to announce I have a theme for the year or a verse, but I can definately say God is at work and giving me an opportunity to grow in His image and know Him more fullly.
On January 4th I started bleeding and the tears and fears came. I was still hopeful, but my heart also knew I God could be inviting me to follow Him down a path I wasn't sure I wanted to go on. The following day an ultrasound confirmed our fears. Our baby had died, there was no heartbeat. There was only a greater silence.
January 7th we miscarried. It's a process I don't really want to experience again. In the midst of our sorrow we do see God's hand of blessing. We had planned to be out of state this week, but not only didn't that happen, but that meant my husband had extended vacation time. Our son slept peacefully in the early part of the night while we dealt with the miscarriage at home. We have family away and a church family close by that love us, pray for us, and support us. Yes, God has provided greatly for this challenge.
And the days ahead will be challenging I know this. I fear I will later allow the questions and feelings to overtake the faith that I turn to so easily at this point in time. I fear what the year will hold, as I turn the pages on a calendar that was to hold special events. I fear what will happen if there is a next time. Yes, I am very human and very real. But I am grateful, so grateful that as much as I want to hold on to God at this time, He wants to hold on to me. So for tonight, I rest in that. I know He can be trusted above my own understanding. And so for now, my silence is broken by these words,
"Trust the Lord at all times, O people. Pour out your hearts to Him for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:8
My prayer tonight is that as I break my silence, you will be encouraged. That you will hold on to God's truth despite your circumstances. That you will share your story so that He is glorified. To God be all glory and honor.