It's day 23 of my 40 Days of Prayer Journey, which is designed to be a time to pray and learn more about prayer. This journey hasn't been easy, but that doesn't mean I'm not learning. I understand even more why they call prayer a discipline. It doesn't just happen. It takes discipline, which is an interesting tension. It takes discipline to sit down and stop rushing. It takes discipline to put aside the to do list and the facade. It takes discipline to stop yapping and listen to God. BUT the actual communion of prayer is not something I can control nor create. I must prepare myself, but only God can really open the door and let me into His fellowship. I can seek, but only He can reveal.
The journey isn't going as I expected it would. I thought I'd be getting better at praying. I thought I'd be able to set myself apart from distractions, be all excited about meeting with God, and hear His voice in new and fresh ways. That isn't happening. I'm stumbling. I'm seeing more and more of my shortcomings. The to do list keeps calling me. I keep turning away from quiet time to almost anything else. I mumble my requests to God, but don't pursue Him with them like I know I can. I hurry through the motions. I easily turn from praying to read about praying. I'm not participating like I thought I would want to. Why is that?
I feel like I'm knocking at the door, but I don't really have any clue what I'm asking. Like the disciples who wanted to sit at Jesus' right hand, I want to "commune and fellowship" with God because well, it sounds exactly like something I should be doing, but do I really know what that's about? I come to Him so casually, and I can because He has welcomed me through His Son's sacrifice, but do I realize who He really is? And if I did, would I be doing this all differently?
Instead of having questions answered and being closer to God, I feel like I'm finding more questions and stumbling in my approach to Him. What can you share with me about prayer? How do you set aside distractions or use them to help you? How do you get real with God? How do you discipline yourself to pray?
Lord, I want to fellowship with you. Really, I do. Forgive me for not giving this my all, like I know I should do. Forgive me for filling my time with you with doing things for you. Change my heart. Help me to put aside these things for the treasure of finding you. You are God. You decide what to share with me and what to keep secret. Show me how to pray. Show me how to live. Thank you for putting a desire in my heart to know you and to pray, because I know that desire is of you. Let it grow and become stronger. Help me to overcome the distractions or to pass through them to find you in them. Show me the way. Thank you for hearing me, for loving me, for inviting me to you. I am unworthy, but oh so grateful. I love you, God.