Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Where did she go?

I'm still here. I'm still pondering. I'm still following. Just been a bit too busy to sit and blog. I've missed the processing that happens when I sit down and write. Some rainy days and moving blogging up to a higher priority on the "to do" list has brought me here this afternoon.

So what's all the "busy"ness been about? Mostly good things. Working on things for Vacation Bible School,
getting ready for a visit from family,
and putting together a new garden area.
Plus, making time for relationships, being wtih Dear Husband, caring for Little Man, and keeping our home in order. Needless to say I think I'll be tackling spring cleaning clear up to winter, but that's okay. I've enjoyed having things to do, especially the physical work of breaking sod and hauling dirt. (Yeah, I've got my farmer's daughter muscles again!)

During this stretch of "busy"ness though, I have had some things gnawing at me. First of all, I've found it harder to sit with God when quiet time seems to be needed to fill by many demands. I've not looked forward to meeting with Him the same way, and I want to rekindle that feeling. I've not taken as much time to listen, and wonder what joys I've missed. I've not savored His Word and counted all the richness that is there. I still wrestle greatly with taking time to focus in prayer. And so I know I need to make some adjustments before my whole world is out of alignment.

Second, God's been trying to speak to me about something. Our Women's Ministry group gave all the moms at church a book called "When It's Rush Hour All Day Long" for Mother's Day. The book ended up falling out of my bag and hiding in a door pocket in our car. It wasn't until a friend of Little Man's found it one day that I realized what had happened. I carried it into the house and opened it up one night after a busy day. I was struck by the topic of hurry-sickness that is addressed by this book and am working my way through it's pages with that peculiar feeling that someone is writing about someone I know very well.

The book, along with Psalm 39:6, a verse I encountered this morning, has made me pause a bit to ask some questions. "We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing." So, what am I so busy doing? AND more importantly why am I doing it? I'm not sure I like the answers. I'm busy often doing things that seem to be fine. Taking care of my family. Helping others in my church. But the why that I'm doing some of it doesn't make those things look as good. I'm often busy doing because I want approval. My dad's recent visit was an eye-opener in this area. My dad is a wonderful dad. (I'm sure you'll read more about him come Father's Day.) I've always had his approval. But I've also always wanted it and worked to get it. This past year my husband and I moved and this was the first time my Dad would be coming to see our new home. I was busy doing for days, trying to get things extra special. Why did I push myself so hard? Why did I sacrifice time with important things for this? I wanted approval. And I see that in a lot of things recently.

The thing that gets me, is that I know what I need most is God's approval. AND I know I have that. I know it in my head. I know that I'm loved. I know that I'm loved not for what I do, or how I act, or anything else. I'm loved because that's God's nature. I'm loved because He is love. But I'm struggling to really understand that somewhere in my heart and then to live from that. Maybe that's why I've been also struggling to memorize Ephesians 3:18-19, my memory verse challenge verses for this half of the month. "And may you have the power to understand as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is to great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." And after writing that down for you all, I guess I'm seeing that what I'm seeking to understand really isn't that easy to understand, at least not without God's power.

So now that you've caugt up on things with me, how are you? What have you been busy doing? Is busyness a battle in your life? And do you REALLY understand how much you are loved? Keep pressing on!

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