Silence

Sometimes silence on a blog is due to business.

Somtimes silence on a blog is due to not having much to say.

Sometimes silence on a blog is due to not knowing what to say.

But sometimes the silence is caused by not being sure you want people to really read what you say! During the month I've had some still moments and during those times God has been showing me some things. He's shown me some things that are hard to see in me and even harder to know how to write about. It seems though that one of those things needs to be shared now. My hope is that it will encourage or spur others on and also help me to allow God to change my heart on the matter.

I often call Jesus, "Lord". Do you? When I pray I often address him as Lord. "Lord, I would like this. Lord, I'd like this to happen at this time. Lord, I don't want this to happen, could you fix it? Lord, please heal this person. Lord, please help this situation." I call Him Lord, but am I treating Him as Lord?

I've been struck by that especially this week. I wanted news of something this week. I was hoping for something. It didn't happen. Not having this thing happen throws off other plans and dreams. My plans and dreams. My initial reaction was very emotional. My words were, "Lord, what are you doing?" That's when He showed my problem to me. If He's Lord, then He gets to do things His way and in His time. Right?

Then I started digging deeper in my heart and let him shine the light there. There's a difference between making plans with the Lord still being Lord of them and making plans and expecting the Lord to put His blessing on them. I've been falling way to often into the later category. It's not where I want to be. But when I am honest with what I see in the light, I'm more than just a little afraid of what it means to let Jesus be Lord of those plans. Any one else feel like that?

I am afraid. Afraid of what it means to change and treat Him really as Lord. Afraid of how far reaching the roots of the problem may be and how entwined my Lordship issue is into other things. But I also am afraid of what it means to NOT have him be Lord. I think this fear is stronger than the first. And so I pray. "LORD, I want you to be LORD of all in my heart, in my life, in my mind, in my dreams. Show me where you're not and help me bring this area of my heart to submission. I want no other to be ruler. Drive out the fear that causes me to cling to my idols, my plans, my gods of judgement and order. Let me see as you see...see what is not like you and then see how the blood of Jesus covers me to make me acceptable to you. Let me not stay the same. Let me plan and dream, but only with you having authority to fulfill in your ways and times. You are Lord." Amen.

New Year and Returning

The silence has been long. It's been caused by life and time splintered into many directions. What time I have to fling words into cyberspace has been taken by other outlets. I've wondered if the silence should be permanent. This isn't the space I had hoped it would be. I don't like not keeping up with something or making it what my dreams are. And my time is torn between wanting to craft a place in this computer world community and ministering to the real world people around me.

But today I return. I return to share the kindness of my God. New years always produce a need to reflect, to account, to recount, to look ahead and try to align once again my reality and my dreams. Usually I desire my year to have some kind of theme. I look back and then want to label the year. I want to name it in some fashion, to summarize it with a word. 2009 was the year of settling. It was settling in good ways. It was finding my place as a mom. It was settling into roles of service in my local church. It was wrapping roots around friends and claiming them as mine in even deeper and truer ways. It was nesting in our home and finding joy in keeper of this haven. It was solidly knowing my husband and appreciating this one that is walking beside me. But the danger with settling is that you can become too comfortable. And that has been what has been scratching at the door of my heart the past few weeks. Have I become too comfortable that I'm more interested in settling than following the one who promises the greatest adventure ever in life? By nature I'm more timid and love routines and sameness. But my heart longs to follow my God on the path He has for me and not one of my own making.

So as I look to 2010 my mind has been turning with questions and wonderings. What is this year to hold and what must I do to be where God wants be to be? What attitudes must I strive to develop? What things must I cease doing in my own energies? I've been praying and asking God to give me something of Him to start this new year.

And I'm humbled to see that He has. Yesterday as I walked with Little Man in the newly fallen snow, he spoke in soft whispers. In the delicate flakes caught in my hair I found what my soul was looking for. I forgot the beauty in those tiny cold crystals. The flakes were small, but large enough that you could see incredible details in each one. The intricacy was amazing. And I was reminded that I don't pause to contemplate things like this enough. God has much to share, but I rush around trying to do things and the dust can hardly settle in all my striving. So in the quiet snow I was reminded, "Be still and know that I am God. I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world." Psalm 46:10. And that's what I desire of this year. I want to be still. I want to cease thinking I have to be it all and do it all. I want to take time to look for Him and know Him. I want to know God. Not the God that I try to keep in my comfortable box, but know what He will share of His Wild Holiness. I want to know His heart and tune my own to it. I want to unsettle my notions and have Him shake me up with His crazy divine love. I want to know God not as my little God in suburbia postmodern America, but rather as the true God of the nations. The Holder and Keeper of the World that desires to have us all draw close and be in relationship with Him.

These sound like mighty ideas for this year. I'm not sure what will happen. I know He invites me to this. I know that He will reveal as He sees fit and as I allow my heart to be still for Him to do so. Like my uncertainties about this blog, I don't know if I'll live up to all that I hope I can. But I am willing to try today and benefit from what I learn today and return once again if I depart.

What about you? What is God desiring to share with you this year? Have you sought His point of view on the matter? Are you willing to be unsettled...maybe even unsettled from the typical new year's resolutions and goals? I hope you'll share what you've heard so that others can be encouraged and encourage you, too!